After another long absence I have returned to wordpress. No apologies this time. I just wasn’t ready til now. I’ve realized that I don’t have a vision for this blog. Anyone have any ideas? I know that I don’t want to be tied down to race issues. I know that I don’t want it to be a dumping ground for the ideas I end up editing out of videos. Maybe I shouldn’t be calling it mulatto diaries….
Well, it’s been 2009 for one week now. It was off to kind of a rough start for me. Apparently I threw away my December paycheck. I discovered this on New Year’s Eve and have been pretty concerned and very upset with myself since then. Talk about irresponsible! Or just a scatterbrained holiday preparation stress kind of mistake. Damn! I actually can’t believe I’m even writing that on here. The beginnings of the year are always a bit stressful for me financially it seems. As a freelancer I never know what a new year will bring in terms of work (that actually pays the bills). So to have thrown this check away ( I really think that’s what happened) just adds a bit more worry. My motto for 2009, tho, is “Faith, not Fear!” They really cannot share the same space in I have learned. So I’m trying to look at this as a test of my faith and a test of my fear. I’m also going to be focusing on gratitude and being good to myself. And seeing the glass as full! Not even half full. I’m a positive person, but I’ve noticed that I focus on lack a lot. More than one roommate I’ve had over the years has marveled at how I always think there’s not enough of something (usually in the fridge i.e. milk, oj, butter) and rush to replace said item before it runs out. It’s like “There’s plenty of milk, Tiff. You just don’t know it.” What else is there plenty of yet the plethora escapes me, I wonder…
ticed. Thanks for the gentle prodding. I’m still visiting my family for the holidays and it’s always so hectic. In a good way, I guess. So many people to see, things to do, etc. On the other hand I always feel like I’m disappointing someone every single second that I’m here because I can only be so many places at one time. Anyway, I just watched Slumdog Millionaire and I simply loved it! Please go see it, if you haven’t already. It is so beautiful (in a gritty, painful way), and inspiring. I actually was a contestant on “millionaire” quite a few years ago. Seeing that set and hearing that music always elevates my heart rate a bit, so at times this movie really had me on the edge of my seat. It also left me full of faith and gratitude and awe. It reassured me that all of the things that I’ve been through that were less than pleasant (downright painful some of them-but nothing like Jamal’s), and all of those that I have yet to face, are leading me to my destiny. “It is written.” It is written that I be born biracial. That my black mother and white father divorced and I began to see things in black or white. It is written that I witness the joys and the sorrows of both of these worlds and have come to realize without a doubt that we’re all cut from the same cloth, so to speak, and that the things “they” tell us to keep us separate are illusions of this world. That I find the pursuit of banishing them (the illusions meant to separate, not the people perpetuating them for that is just a habit they learned) to the nothingness from whence they came to be my deepest passion and most fulfilling endeavor must be written. I never looked ahead and saw this chapter coming. I had no idea. But it is written.
I’m sitting in the hotel room again. Feeling grateful for coffee, room service, the grace of God, the power of positive thinking, my job, my dog (and those caring for him while I’m away), my family, my friends, and my self. I did pause before typing “my self”. Is that something I should not be grateful for? It felt kinda weird to write. Like it’s egotistical. But I should be grateful for my self and I think it ties back into the grace of God thing, because I believe that without the grace of God I wouldn’t be my self. Well, I wouldn’t be the parts of my self that I am grateful for anyway. I’ll have to get comfortable with that. Kinda like being comfortable saying I’m “white and black” instead of “black and white” if someone asked. What’s the difference, anyway? The chat went well yesterday! They did ask me to “come back”! And my dog is more than ok. I think positive ‘what if’s’ are essential and I’ll be training myself to indulge in them and eradicate the negatives. Let’s see what happens…
Indy wouldn’t dream of doing it. He’ll be in the stroller til we get to our block, but then he’ll have to get out to tend to some “business.” I have such anxiety about these grooming days. Today we’re going to try a new place. They seem nice and professional. But then they always do at first. It’s funny that some of the more blatantly racially charged experiences I’ve had in NYC have been at a frickin’ dog groomer. Actually, it’s not funny. I would be anxious anyway, because that’s just how I operate, but knowing that my dog will probably be treated better if my white male roommate takes him to the groomer kinda sends me over the edge. And here I was wondering what on earth I’d write this morning and doubting that it would have anything to do with race. I am looking forward to writing about whatever on here tho and not being so consumed with black and white. Seems like I just can’t get away from it tho. For now.
mulatto diaries 