Category Archives: humor

out of the mouths of babes

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Kids know and they warn you.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
– Freddie, age 6


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Linette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
– Theodore, age 8

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
– Rick, age 10

hiatus over

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I hope…

It’s been a rough month.  Sorry I haven’t had much to offer the biracial blogosphere.  I’m sick of only posting inspirational quotes now, but really don’t remember how to do this anymore.  It’s like I wake up everyday to a life that I don’t recognize since I lost Indy.  Hopefully, if I just try, the blog and the vlog can help ground me.

I’m thinking that the best place to (re)start is by telling you all what I’ve been doing while I haven’t really been doing anything.  Wait for it… Wait for it (yes, I know you can see it already)…

I have been watching a lot of Roseanne.  A LOT!  I bet I’ve seen half of the nine seasons of episodes.  I really liked Roseanne as a kid.  I identified with Darlene and Becky back then, though.  Now, to my horror, I’m relating to Jackie and Roseanne.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re great, but when and how exactly did I get so old!?  I have gained new found respect for Roseanne Barr.  I am a big fan of John Goodman.  Always have been.  Roseanne and Dan were such a great couple!  And OMG, OMG the clothes!!! (Here is a website dedicated to the “fashion” on Roseanne.)  Also, George Clooney was a pretty major player in the first season.  I only remembered him being on The Facts of Life, once they had the store, but there he was playing Roseanne and Jackie’s boss at the factory.  And did you know that in the pilot episode D.J. was played by some kid named Sal Barone, not Michael Fishman.  I hope you did not, because that is completely useless knowledge that has been sealed into my brain since I saw the pilot episode a couple of weeks ago and was so shocked by that.  And grateful cuz Fishman was so cute and so funny, and Sal….wasn’t (as).  The two Becky thing still confuses me though.  Oh, how I wish they would have a Roseanne reunion show.  Here’s a photo of what it might look like…

But where’s Jerry?  “Who is Jerry?”, you ask. Roseanne and Dan had a baby toward the end of the run.  His name was Jerry.  By the way, I know people said that the show sucked toward the end and that they should never have won the lottery or whatever, but I watched the entire final season and it was really good, in my opinion.  Roseanne was droppin’ pearls and my guess is that America couldn’t handle it.

Roseanne + Dan Forever!

In case you missed it (check TVLand and Oxygen)…

The show centered on the Conners, an American working class family struggling to get by on a limited household income in the fictional town of Lanford, Illinois. Many critics considered the show notable as one of the first sitcoms to portray a blue collar American family with two parents working outside the home. For many years, Roseanne tackled taboo subjects or joked about issues that most other popular shows at the time avoided, such as poverty, alcoholism, drug-abuse, sex, menstruation, birth birth control, teenage pregnancy obesity, abortion, race, social class, domestic violence, and homosexuality.  Barr’s real-life brother and sister are gay, which is what inspired her to push for introducing gay characters and issues into the show: “My show seeks to portray various slices of real life, and homosexuals are a reality.”  The show was also significant for its portrayal of feminist ideals including a female-dominated household, a female lead whose likability did not rely on her appearance, relationships between female characters that were cooperative rather than competitive, and females openly expressing themselves without negative consequences.

In the fall of 2008 Barr said, on what the Conners would be up to now, “I’ve always said now that if they were on TV, DJ would have been killed in Iraq and [the Conners] would have lost their house”. When asked for more details on where the rest of the Conners (Jackie, Becky, Darlene, David, and Mark) would be, Barr said “Your question is intellectual property that may be developed later, so I don’t want to get into that”.

happy birthday, amy

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Today is Amy Grant’s birthday.  I won’t be baking her a cake today as I did in my youth, but I thought I’d post this Amy anecdote that I came across while surfing the internets.  The excerpt is a retelling of a bit from a recent Lewis Black stand-up routine found here. Happy Birthday, Amy!

Last night, Black told a story that lasts about 10 minutes. By the 10th minute, the audience response was a tidal wave of laughter.

The bit centered on Black following country music superstar Vince Gill to the stage during a USO show in Afghanistan. There were 8,000 troops in attendance, and, as Black said, “They were all just crazy about Vince Gill, who is a country western legend. Let me tell you something about country western music: A lot of it is, well, s—! Even people who are country western music fans have to admit that a lot of it is, well, s—! Some of it’s good. The rest of it is based on old episodes of ‘The Jerry Springer Show.’ ”

Gill opened his 30-minute set with a song.

“Thirty seconds into this song, I had a feeling come over me that is the same feeling I get when I am taking a bath and the water temperature is just right,” Black said. “The song was that (effing) beautiful.”

Gill then told a story.

“The story was funny! So, he’s funny, too. And he was clean,” Black said. “The son of a bitch can sing, he’s funny, and he’s clean. I’m offstage, going over my material, taking out all the profanity. I’m left with 4 ½ minutes of stage time!”

Gill then brought out his wife.

“If you don’t know who Vince Gill is married to, then you should be,” Black glowered. “His wife is Amy Grant, the most beautiful Christian singer in all of Christiandom. She sings like an angel, she is beautiful, and she is filled with cream! With these two onstage, being angelic and basking in their angelic Christian love, I was willing to accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior, just to get the crowd behind me!”

Gill then sang a song inspired by his father.

“Vince Gill wrote this song in tribute to his dead father,” Black called out. “Now, who isn’t going to like this song about his dead father? Nobody! I thought, ‘I’m screwed. I don’t have time to go out and kill mine!’ The title of this song is ‘It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long.’ Face it,that’s (an effing) funny title! And we have a profanity we can use: ass! Oh, hee-hee! Vince Gill has established the one profanity I can use. Great!”

With the troops roaring, Gill and Grant finally left the stage.

“So now it’s, ‘Let’s hear what the aging Jewish guy has to say!’ ” Black shouted. “I only wanted one thing: for the person who decided I should be following Vince Gill to appear onstage, too, so this person canshare this experience with me!”

a new kind of blackface

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“Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.”- John Wayne

Mark of stupidity: Burglary suspects drew masks and beards on their faces using permanent marker pen

There was little to disguise what these two had been up to moments before police pulled them over.

Would-be burglars Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller’s masterplan had one tiny flaw –their ‘disguises’ comprised of masks drawn on their faces with permanent marker pen.

American police stopped their car after a witness reported two men ‘with painted faces’ were trying to break into a flat in Carroll, Iowa.

article-1223724-06FC467F000005DC-92_306x462article-1223724-06FC4755000005DC-357_306x462Marked men: Matthew McNelly, 23, and Joey Miller, 20, were arrested after trying to break into an apartment in Carroll, Iowa. Police found they had drawn masks and beards on their faces in permanent marker pen

The caller added that the pair were wearing dark, hooded tops and had driven off in a big white car.

Police soon spotted a 1994 Buick Roadmaster matching the description and stopped it at gunpoint.

Inside they found the two men, both of whom had what appeared to be masks, beards or moustaches scrawled on to their faces.

McNelly, 23, and Miller, 20, were both charged with attempted second-degree burglary and released on bail.

McNelly was also charged with drunk driving.

The pair are due in court next month. Hopefully the disguises will have washed off by then.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1223724/Burglars-Matthew-Allan-McNelly-Joey-Lee-Miller-drew-masks-beards-faces-using-permanent-marker-pen.html#ixzz0X1uaycNV

 

re: oreo barbie: black edition

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Unless you’re keeping her as a collector’s item, I think this is an amazingly creative (yet creepy) way to recycle any kind of Barbie you may have…

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Artist Statement:

Barbie dolls played a fundamental role in fueling my creative life growing up and are what cultivated my interest in adornment. An invaluable tool for my imagination as a child, ironically, Barbie continues to be such for me as an adult.

Whether revered or despised, there are few who feel neutral about the plastic princess. I am fascinated with who she is as a cultural icon and the vast impact she has had on our society.

I also enjoy the funny juxtaposition of wearing the body, on the body. Barbie has become the accessory instead of being accessorized. I take pleasure in the contrast and contradiction of mass-produced materials transformed and revealed as handmade, wearable works of Art.

– Margaux Lange

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