throwback (and forth) thursday

I don’t even know where to begin with this.  It is my first official throwback.  I’m fairly certain it isn’t meant to follow a now vs. then format, but it looks like that is what I have created.  A couple of days ago i alluded to having had the best summer ever.  I did.  But it wasn’t all conventional summertime fun.  It was stuff that grew me out of the places in which i was stuck.  Believe me digging up the roots that were planted in infertile soil is likely to be uncomfortable to say the least.  It’s also likely to be the most loving and wonderful thing you could ever do for yourself – and for every one else for that matter.  Basically, I got a roadmap out of the illusion of my self and this world that I was lost in.  Does that make sense?  I’m trying to get into the habit of checking for understanding in all areas of my life.  Might as well include the blog.

Here goes:

lost

 

found

Let me be clear that these are not literal before and after pictures.  I did not start the summer off significantly larger than i am now, wearing glasses and hair that is… just… poorly straightened and….well, i could go on and on but i don’t want to be mean to me…

What these do represent however is that by the end of this summer I had completely lost the sad feeling that I had not grown up to be the person I was once on track to becoming.  The highest manifestation of myself, in other words.  I had lost my way.  Lost my way inside of myself.   It happens to everyone to some degree.  I am proud to report that after a little trauma and drama plus a truly magical trip to Maui, I am back in congruence with my true self.  Most of the time.  There are occasional flare ups of the old paradigm.  i sit quietly with them until they pass.  they always do.  i spend most of the rest of my time in absolute awe of everything.  For example, I was totally in awe when a friend on Facebook who has known me since I was a very little girl sent me a message that ended with, “When I watch you on FB, I’m always so happy to see that you’ve become the amazing woman that I expected you to become.”  I cried.  I had always thought how disheartening it may have been to some people who had known me to be such a bright, sparkly little girl, grow progressively more dull as time went on.  I don’t mean dull as in boring personality.  I mean it in terms of energy, twinkle, confidence, promise, conviction, and potential.  This is not about living up to other people’s expectations.  These expectations are the ones I set first.

I have so much more to tell you, blog.  So much.  Thank you for your patience.  You may have noticed that this blog is going through some changes.  It’s about time, I’d say.  The outer reflects the inner.  I’m trying to take this thing in a direction that is aligned with my vision for my life and humanity in general.  So, please bear with me while I sort this format out, and if you have any suggestions I’d love to hear them!  And by suggestions I mean, “It would be nice to have a playlist embedded here.”  Not, “Stop wishing you were white and denying your blackness” or any of that low level nonsense.  Please. Satnam.

save self from other self

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “throwback (and forth) thursday

  1. I’ve been following your blog since you started your You Tube channel years ago. I’m glad to see that you feel you’re coming into yourself. We all get a bit lost at times. I’ve been having one of those difficult times recently, but like you feel like I’m finally coming out the other side. Just from my experience reading this blog I can say that I don’t think you’re ever dull. I only know the tiny part of you that you choose to present to the world via this blog, but that part is complex, dynamic, interesting, and lovely. You definitely sparkle.

  2. this goes in the comment hall of fame as a fav!!! wishing you peace on your path 💗 and the courage to listen to your heart 🙂

  3. Hey! I’m glad you posted this because I myself am finding myself and see a difference between how I was as a teenager to how I am now. Its great to see how much you’ve grown and overcoming personal obstacles when it comes to being mixed race (like me!). I’m a fan of your blog and vlogs on YouTube which have contributed to learning my identity.

    This is totally unrelated to this post but I just want to mention that there is this movie coming out soon called Belle which is about a biracial girl growing up in victorian England. I thought it might be something that you would like to look into.

    Here is the trailer for it:

    😀

  4. thank you so much!! and thanks for the trailer. so excited about this movie!
    I think you have your identity…it’s prob just buried under the projections cast upon you by those who have no idea….
    xo

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